Topic: Life
I've fallen back on bad habits.
My chronic insomnia has kicked into high gear and I have been awake most of the night/morning. I'm incredibly tired, but unable to relax enough to drift off to sleep.
Every time I close my eyes, my head seems to become flooded with a myriad of thoughts. My mind races, and I am unable to stop the chaos and noise that rattles in my brain.
Perhaps if I pour it all out in my blog I will be able to finally succumb to my own exhaustion.
My relationship with Ken is still somewhat strained, but we've seemed to have finally leveled out onto equal ground. We're nowhere close to "normal" yet, but the tension between us seems to have eased up. Hopefully time will bridge the chasm that seems to have opened up between us recently. For both our sakes.
In my previous blog entry I allowed my emotions to get the better of me and kind of got over-swept with all the sadness, fear and despair that death unfortunately evokes.
However, as is typical in pain everyone experiences in the grieving process, I had edited out one crucial moment in that awful Thursday morning as I became lost in my own melancholy. A moment that, at least for a brief tick of time, gave me a sense of comfort and eased my soul.
After I had cleaned the mattress and linen from the bedroom, I stepped outside to smoke a cigarette.
A hearse was waiting in the driveway to take Ken's father to the funeral home as I stepped out onto the front porch. I remember feeling a cold sense of disbelief as I stared at it while leaning against my old Dodge Daytona.
It seemed oddly quiet in a disconcerting kind of way.
Then I heard a familiar sound. One Ken and I had gotten very used to when we were living in the house on Dennison Street. It was the caw of a Raven.
I looked up to see it as it landed on the street lamp near the driveway and within moments it was joined by a mate.
The silence of the morning was broken by their loud conversation with one another as they sat staring down at the world below them.
They were beautiful and I was comforted by their company.
You see, most people in our society today would view their appearance as something ominous or unnerving... but not me or Ken. For us, Ravens are an integral and inspiring totem of our spiritualities.
In Celtic mythology, the Raven (associated with the God Bran) symbolizes protection, initiation and healing. They are seen as messengers of the spirit world. Harbingers and heralds between the living and the dead.
In Norse mythology, Odin (Ken's patron) is closely accompanied by two Ravens known as Huginn (Thought) and Muninn (Memory). Those of you who know Ken have no doubt seen their effigy on his right arm.
It is because of Odin's association with them that he is often referred to as the "Raven God".
Huginn and Muninn's duty to Odin was to fly over the world of Midgard as scouts and return with information. They also accompanied Odin's fallen warriors on their journey to Valhalla.
I couldn't help but think that those two Ravens were there as favor for Ken to watch over his father as he journeyed to his final place. I was consoled by that thought and even managed a brief smile as I stood there watching them.
Then from the corner of my eye, a small fluttering caught my attention and I noticed a butterfly dancing around the front door of the house. Itself a universal symbol of transformation, but particularly for the Celts who viewed it as a symbol of rebirth. An important concept within Celtic mythology.that taught that spiritual and physical life was constantly renewed and recycled to the next generation.
In that moment, at least for me, the symbols of the Ravens and the Butterfly seemed to converge on one another. Journey and rebirth. A gentle reminder of my beliefs and my spirituality. A gesture from my deities and Ken's deities that they had felt our tears and wanted to us to remember who we were and what was in our souls.
As the loss and heartache that the death of Ken's father has engraved into me heals and the memory of that horrible day fades over time, I hope that I never forget those Ravens or that Butterfly.
They are all that I want to hang onto right now, and the only vision that will give me comfort enough to rest and perhaps even sleep.
Brightest Blessings.